One foghorn please

People say, that in the quest for love, one should write down a list of all the things they desire in a partner. At least, this is what a friend recently told me during a conversation about the frustrations of seeking love.

There’s only one thing I must have in a partner, aside from the obvious of nice and funny. My partner must be a foghorn. I need a person in my life who speaks like they’re addressing a large auditorium sans microphone, every… single… day. A person whose yawn is so loud it wakes the neighbours. Someone whose noises of satisfaction from a good meal rumble through the house. That’s my kinda guy.

Being partially deaf is so awkward in dating. My hearing is good enough conversationally and I can generally pick up on most things a person says but nothing, and I repeat, nothing is more awkward than a lover unknowingly whispering sweet nothings in your deaf ear.

I learnt the value in dating foghorns after meeting a guy earlier this year who was nice, funny and a foghorn. Every conversation was at maximum volume, I heard everything. He could be sitting at the back of a bus and I’d still hear him from the front, it was excellent. We got a long like a house on fire, simply because I could hear everything he was saying. There were no awkward moments where I had to piece together a sentence in my mind, I heard every damn word.

Our fun times ended with a plane ticket, I dropped him off at the airport and with loud goodbyes we parted ways, with him returning to his home country and me to my normal life.

I’ve been on a few dates since then, met nice and funny guys, but it is with fond memories and a smile that I look back on the time I dated a foghorn.


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