Isn’t interesting that when we’re a kid and shit happens to us we don’t think, ‘this is going to screw me up a little later in life?’. Okay, not really, because it would be a little strange for a kid to be thinking further ahead than the next meal or daylight hours, but it is interesting that years later, when things are going wrong, we come back to something that happened to us, when we were maybe five and lay the blame entirely on that event.

Now I understand the big things, the horrible things that happen to people that just shouldn’t happen affecting them, but the little things? The passing comment someone may have made to a girl when she was ten telling her that her hair looked stupid or something like that…in reality, that person probably thought her hair was awesome and found their jealousy so unbearable that they decided the best thing to do would be to insult the person they admired rather then tell them what they really thought.

I remember when I was in about grade 5 or 6 and I really liked a boy, it was the first time I’d ever liked someone and it was also the first time I got the guts to tell him. So one day, for no particular reason I decided to tell him. I walked over and in front of two of his best mates told him I liked him…and you know what he did…? He told me I needed to buy him and his mates shit before he would even consider dating me. And you know what I said….? So what do I have to buy you? In reality I should have told him to get stuffed, but I didn’t know how it all worked and I thought that was normal. Well it wasn’t, and when I realised it wasn’t, I thought about it for years later and felt embarrassed and humiliated whenever I thought about it. Today brought that thought back for me because I was having lunch with some friends and one of the guys mentioned he rated himself as a seven in attractiveness. Everyone was laughing about it and joking and rating themselves but I sat there feeling REALLY awkward. I guess I don’t rate myself very high, and I guess whenever I think about that moment back then I always think of it as the moment where I started thinking that I wasn’t anything too special. But you can’t really blame one thing for everything, and I’d like to think I’ve moved on from something like that. . .

So that was a random thing that has been floating around in my head for the last few hours. At the moment I’m reading a book of short stories, it’s called Elephant and it’s by Raymond Carver. All the stories seem to revolve around different types of relationships, mostly couples but it also touches on parents and strangers.

One story in particular really caught me unexpectedly today, it is called Intimacy and is basically laid out in one scene. In this scene a man visits his ex-wife after several years apart. She is still furious, but obviously still affected by this man. The whole thing flows basically as one conversation, and it’s written so beautifully. Seriously, it just captures something about human nature. A simple touch is all it takes to break the flow of words, and you feel it so deeply.

What else, what else? I seem to be reading a lot of good books lately, it is one of the nice things about working in a library. I am also reading another book, by Donna Tartt, called The Little Friend. It’s good and crazy. I don’t really know how I feel about it actually…but it is good.

This blog just isn’t flowing very well. I’m caught in the middle of quite a few different things that have been playing on my mind a lot, and I really feel like I need to let my hair down, so to speak, because I’m just a ball of stress lately. I seem to have a list a foot long of issues and things that need to be resolved, then the happy things that are meant to keep my afloat seem to be non-existant…which takes me back to that blog I wrote about social suicide.

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