As much as I can’t stand the personalities that form the band Seeker Lover Keeper, I do find their music resonates with me. Who doesn’t love the danger in distance? Or the feeling expressed in ‘All My Lights’?
I long for a spark,
for a light,
A dawn, for my long sleepless nights….
Oh won’t you come,
Won’t you light all my lights?
Oh won’t you come,
Won’t you fight all my fights?
Fight all my fights?
We all want to feel that fire and the freedom that come with it…but we secretly want someone who can fight our fights, no matter how independent we want to be. I remember one particular day, I was feeling particularly happy and like I was in love. I danced to my car, cranked up the music and sang with every ounce of my being. It was a Saturday and I was driving to work, but amazing doesn’t describe how I felt. I jumped out of my car, sent a gooey message and thought, how can anyone feel more effing happy than this?
Fast forward a few months and I’m pretty sure I would’ve thought at some point, can loving, longing and wanting get any worse?
But that seems like a lifetime ago, and things have changed so much that sometimes I wonder if that was really me. I find with these blogs that I rarely think of what I am going to write past the actual title, I get these big ideas in my head, these outpourings of emotion and thought and then they just fizzle out the moment I start writing anything coherent.
This week I finally got my swipe card, I.D. and work email account set up. ZING! It seems like a silly thing to get excited about, but after two and a half months of asking a co-worker for their swipe card every time I wanted to have a cup of tea, or sidle up to them and ask them to print one of my various daily tasks I feel like I’ve climbed Mt Everest. It’s strange how small inhibitions can make you feel so negative about work. I was really starting to feel depressed and excluded from the workplace. Things kept coming up that i didn’t know about, like staff lunches, going away parties etc…and I’d only find out approximately one minute prior to the event.
I hate to sound like an emotional wreck, but it has made me cry. I’m normally a pretty tough cookie but one small crack in my facade and I’m a mess.
So now I’ve got all the necessary elements for my job, and I’m feeling much more confident and settled. I’m learning the library lingo, I’m talking to students like a staff member, not a confused trainee and I’m sending emails left, right and centre.
It’s a good feeling- and it’s made me think about work..etc much more. Yesterday I finally received the paper copy of that essay I posted a few weeks ago. I got 85/100 (called a High Distinction in Australia) and my tutor gave me some fantastic feedback, which included a comment that I should ‘definitely consider honours’.
I’ve been considering it, but this gave me more confidence. So I may just be studying for a few more years……